This article was first published in the local tabloid "Õhtuleht" on 11.05.2013.
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| Cinderella. Fables. Source: DC Comic Wiki |
But what would you think of the argument that women should loose their right to vote, because it is untraditional in European Christian culture? Which actually is the case. So in effect, traditions describe the current state, but can not serve as justifications. As the society changes, so must customs be corrected, and for that reason, lets applaud France for the courage to cast aside unfair traditions and best of luck to Estonian lawmakers in doing the same. But what comes next?
The decline of traditions
It is my opinion that many pessimistic commentators are correct, and the legalization of same-sex marriages is but a step on the way. For some it is a step on the stairway that will lead the Occcident to its demise. For many, it simply reflects the fact that the same traditional family values and models, that are in such need of protection, simply do not meet the socio-economic needs of the 21st century any more. If you don't believe me, then please take a look at the Bureau of Statistics webpage yourself: for 5499 marriages, there were 3099 divorces in 2011. In Europe, a trend can be observed already for tens of years, where the number of marriages is declining and the number of divorces is increasing. I can only draw one conclusion from this: marriage as an institution is not any more a suitable solution in the lives of many people. Why?
First of all, marriage is not a bastion of love, but a security measure for general arrangements in life and specifically the economic aspect of it. Kingdoms were joined by marriages and wars were started because of quarrels over inheritance. On the level of states, things are dealt with differently nowadays and for the individual, their pension is rather gathering interests in the pillar(1). Thus the need for marriage as a means for securing one's future is on the decline and there are less of those who stay married only because they could not survive otherwise. Traditionally, of course, the party thus chained was the woman.
The second important factor — and this is by no means insignificant — is the general increase in the freedom of women to choose. Traditionally, wife was taken by the man, and she in turn was responsible for raising the children (sadly Estonian legal practise still supports this division for custody issues).
Elementary biology however tells us that humans are a huge exception with this behaviour — being probably the only mammals, where the roles have switched and the man is pulling the strings. As a rule, the decision to pick a mate is made by the party who will invest more resources into offspring. For mammals, this party is obviously the female, who has to carry said offspring around in her belly for long months. How did humans develop to be so different from every other species is honestly a huge mystery. Half-jokingly one could claim that culture was invented by men in order to secure a chance to weigh in on the issue of mate selection.
Be it as it may, the way that world wars brought women into factories and gave them economic independence, digital communication has given them the possibility to follow their instincts and choose, without social pressure. Who does not believe me, then do sign up for an online dating site [okcupid.com], upload a more-or-less acceptable profile picture and start waiting for messages. If you happen to be male — good luck in that. Large proportion of female friends however have given up the experiment after a few weeks, as excessive attention became burdensome.
Traditional marriage does not work any more and women can choose their own partners. Where can all this lead? The answer is about divining the future, so we can move from the webpage of the Bureau of Statistics into science fiction. Interesting developments were envisioned by R. A. Heinlein(2) in the book “Moon is a Harsh Mistress” (originally published in 1966). Extremely briefly: the moon is turned into a prison colony and due to being well isolated, needs not much oversight and functions more like a remote settlement. It is important to remember that in both reality as well as fiction, there are always less women among prisoners (and with all the respect I have for those standing for equal rights, the question about why this is not mentioned at fancy parties, remains).
The coming of poly-marriages
So what takes place in that interesting society that, due to being isolated, can ignore all social norms. Namely that the freedom of women to choose will quickly lead to completely new forms of relationships. Yes, there exists the usual man-woman marriage, as it works for some. At the same time, however, poly-marriages develop, mostly between several men and one woman. The most interesting concept Heinlein offers is that of a line marriage, where the number and age of those married is not defined and as older spouses die, new younger members are married into the same relationship. Every member of this marriage is married to every other member and makes such structures exceptionally resilient, though the barrier of entry for new members is also high – one will have to deal with more than one spouse.
And if we jump from science fiction to psychology, we have interesting discoveries here as well, that give credit to the practical experience of mankind, that the maxim “one life, one love” could have worked for Cinderella, but does not work for most of mankind. The thing is that love is connected to several brain regions and even though they are neurochemically somewhat linked, they all have a separate task to fulfill (mate selection, romantic pull, trust and dedication) and they operate independently in this(3). So the agony of choosing the one and only mate from among several candidates, is not entirely natural and to a degree, it is precisely culture and tradition that dictates the unnatural urge for picture-book-love. It is clear, however, that life will most likely not fit within the boundaries of a fairy-tale.
Yes-yes. Of course there is the argument that true love can only be in a marriage, between a man and a woman. To which I would answer: how do you know that?
My opinion is that the next big thing for laws regulating relationships is precisely that of poly-relationships. Because again —I haven't heard any rational arguments against them and positive experiences can be found in the wide-wide world rather effortlessly, if you look in the right places. In that regard digital communication is a blessing to no end, and anonymity online absolutely necessary to break free from the narrow norms of the village community, where everyone deviating from the established rules will be declared a witch and made to conform, based on unreasoned and unreasonable moral principles.
The 21st century will be an interesting one.
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1. A reference to the pension system, which consists of three sources of funding e.g. three pillars. Read more at http://www.pensionikeskus.ee/?id=628
2. The reader might know the author from the movies “Starship Troopers”. I beg you to forget those stillborn movies that are no credit to the extremely thought-provoking book they are based. The book, for example, is to this day in the reading list of the USMC.
3. An excellent introduction by Dr. Helen Fisher: http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_tells_us_why_we_love_cheat.html
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